“Why are you doing this to us?” Aai wailed banging her palms on her templates. “How do we answer her parents?!... There is not a single happiness that you can give us without causing us some pain...”
Subodh tried to stay unaffected by her histrionics, yet they did catch his nerve. He held on to the sofa, his fingers sunk deep into the cushion. Aai’s words were corroding his mind. They were piercing his thoughts and filling them with remorse.
That was exactly why Subodh hated being at his parents’ place. Over the years, they hadn’t ceased being judgemental about him. Their words still bore the impressions of his early failures. His efforts to wipe them off had been futile. They tainted all his accomplishments in their darkening grease. A bout colossal exasperation simmered through him each time he came to terms with the fact that the dark silhouette of his failure still defined his identity before them.
“Tell us! How will we answer her parents?” Aai yelled once again.
Subodh opened his laptop and hid himself inside the project report. It was the safest place to hide. It isolated him instantly from the world and himself. It severed all the ties that bound him to his surroundings and hid him deep within the multitude of impassive responsibilities. He had developed a liking for this enclosure. He had found comfort in its deliberation. He found peace in its intrusion into his life. He longed for in its absence. He pulled it over himself as a quilt whenever discomfort in living augmented unbearably.
Aai’s words now struggled to reach him with a fading intensity. But he was moving away swiftly from their grasp into the black hole he had created for himself.
Stated Risk
Few critics fear that the experiments may produce doomsday phenomena. The stated fusions, might generate a series of explosions due to the triggering on an uncontrolled chain reaction. These explosions can be powerful enough to disintegrate Earth’s structure into an undefined number of fragments or sections. However, this risk persists in every fusion experiment undertaken, if performed in an uncontrolled environment. To address these concerns, NRPF (Nuclear Risk Prevention Forum) undertook six safety reviews. The outcome of these reviews stated that the environment created for fusion experiment was devoid of any flaws and posed no threat to its surroundings or the planet on a whole. This conclusion was also endorsed by several other regulatory organisations like CINS (Committee for International Nuclear Safety), ENRI (European Nuclear Research Institute) and APROA (Atomic Power Regulatory Organisation of America).
The detailed outcome of the reviews is as given below:
“Talk to us if we are talking to you” The sharp voice penetrated the cocoon of indifference that his work was weaving around him.
He tried to avoid its invasion. Yet the voice shattered all the blockades and hit his mind.
“Answer us!” Baba’s voice rumbled through the aging walls of the living room.
“What?!” Subodh snapped back.
“What should we tell her father?” Baba asked in a voice louder than Subodh’s.
“Whatever you want...” Subodh spat out words as if they were leaving a bad taste in his mouth.
“What kind of answer is this?” His reply had enraged Baba further.
“What kind of question was that then?” Subodh couldn’t hold it back anymore. He barked out the reply on his parents’ faces.
“What kind of question?... Her father calls us up and asks what is wrong between you and Sonal?... He said you two had a fight in some hotel...”
“Coffee shop...” Subodh corrected him before he could finish what he had to say.
“Don’t interrupt me!” Baba violently kicked the correction aside and continued with his bluster “He told me that you said dirty words to her...”
Even in that state of conflict, the phrase ‘dirty words’ uttered by Baba pumped up a spurt of laughter within Subodh. He helplessly giggled at it. He wondered which dirty words was Baba or her father was referring to. If he sat down to calculate, there would be more than 87,634 dirty words he must’ve said to her in bed or at times when they wanted to be in bed but they weren’t. At times, she didn’t quite appreciate it. But he never expected her to go to her father and complain about it. For a moment, he imagined her sobbing telling her father “Daddy, he said ‘I want to ride you, slut’ and when I said ‘Yes boy, give it to me’ he said ‘Take my hot rod in you whore’ (sob sob)...”. The smile on his face broadened to cross the edges of his face and almost touched his ears.
“Look... he’s laughing... shameless!...” His giggle didn’t go unnoticed. Baba then turned to Aai. “You know... he called her ‘beach’”, he explicitly mentioned the forbidden word. For an instant Subodh couldn’t connect it with Sonal. Eventually, he did. But he didn’t feel like correcting Baba over that one, especially at such a delicate moment. Yet in his mind he did say “Baba, it’s ‘bitch’ and not ‘beach’. In the mean time, Aai had entered a state of shock at this revelation.
“What?!” She gasped.
“Yes!... He called her beach... Not just that, he called her psycho also... And was about to hit her...” Baba counted his crimes before Aai as if he was reading it out from a charge-sheet. Aai was melodramatically reacting to each word that Baba uttered. She covered her ears with open palms and kept nodding at various velocities depending on the seriousness of the offence.
Subodh couldn’t believe his ears. “When did all this happen?” He asked in disbelief.
“Why? You don’t remember when it happened?” Baba growled at him.
“No...” Subodh wasn’t out of his bewilderment yet.
“See... Now he wants to say that we are lying!.. Good!” Baba said looking at Aai.
“I am not saying that... I just want to say that I don’t quite remember when it happened...” Subodh clarified in a distress-filled tone.
“Why would you?... Who remembers their own wrong doings?...” Baba pounced on his declaration.
“Of course... you won’t even remember that you broke a table at the hotel... coffee house... when you were fighting with her...”, sarcasm tainted every word Baba spoke.
Realisation struck Subodh like a thunderbolt. What he thought was enclosed within the constraints of his mind, was what he had unknowingly he had let out on that evening. His thoughts had translated themselves into his actions before he could be in charge of them. And they kept him uninformed about it all this while. He was made to believe that it was just a passing thought who didn’t take the course of action. A thought that engrossed him so much into itself, that he lost track of his wakefulness and detached himself from reality. The thought then replaced him with itself in the reality. It conned him. It impersonated itself as him and had entered the reality, keeping him away from it. He had fallen prey to the conspiracy that fate had plotted with the help of his ailing vulnerable mind.
The realisation spread a shattering wave of regret through him. It numbed his senses for a while. His carefree self was suppressed under the burden of its inexorable guilt. An urge began to take shape inside his conscience to apologise to Sonal for whatever happened that evening. It wasn’t that this realisation had generated feelings for her inside him again. They weren’t ever there. But he felt ashamed of his behaviour towards her. If things had been well, they would’ve married each other in recent future. He would’ve dissolved himself in the facade of a completely involved, totally in love, caring and affectionate boyfriend, and would’ve carried it further to play the role of a completely involved, totally in love, caring and affectionate husband. Everything was smooth like it, till he started experiencing those rigours of epiphany. He was still in search of their source. But the clarity that they had imparted him with, was worth beholding. They threw a light on his real self. And hence, though they were disrupting, he held them close to his heart. Lately, he also believed that it was something close to his heart which had triggered them.
“You don’t na?... You won’t for sure... Because you will have to accept them if you remember them.” Baba continued with his rant.
“I am not afraid of accepting my mistakes... I just don’t remember when it happened...I am not like you...” words flowed out of Subodh’s mouth before his mind could consider them for a review.
Their sudden articulation impaired Baba’s assaultive spirit. A defeated silence leaked out of those words and filled the house. Baba stood speechless looking at Subodh with dismal eyes. Subodh’s words had stirred something lying still at the bottom of his heart. He walked away silently. Aai collapsed on the sofa hiding her face in an end of her saree with her palm.
Subodh furiously clapped his laptop, picked it up and walked out of the house.
***
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Monday, June 20, 2011
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Chapter 2 - Part 5
“Don’t you dare read it fucker!” She barked at him. He couldn’t take his head out of that piece of paper.
He was at her place to pick her up for a play. There was quite some time for the play to begin and the theatre wasn’t much far from her place. She came up with the idea of having coffee before they left. Subodh readily agreed to it. It was a small place where she put up. A room and a kitchen. The room had enough space for two beds, for her and her room partner and the kitchen was more of a notched extension of the room with half walls and a doorframe. The space resembled a deluxe room of a two-star hotel, which had been filled with posters, artworks, handicrafts, clothes, sandals, books and all other things that were close to these two girls living within its walls. An exotic fragrance lingered in the room which awakened a mysterious sensuousness deep within him. She guided him to her bed and asked him to be seated till she prepared coffee. He sat on the bed a bit uncomfortably running his eyes over the things around. They fell upon a bright red bra half-stuck out of a drawer besides the mirror. He quickly turned away to look at the books which stood in a pile in the direction laterally opposite to that of the sight.
The fan above him rotated vigourously combating the heat gathering in the room. It led a piece of paper to come down floating at his feet with an unspoken urge to be read. He bent down and picked it up. The alphabets on it seemed like a confluence of free flowing strokes that were a mirror to an unbound mind. They formed words which looked liked vines entangled in each other. He went through each one of them gently touching those lines with his eyes. Sentences assimilated themselves through those words. Subodh gradually sank in the words on that paper as he drifted into reading it with his heart.
It’s just a dew drop
That I want to splash upon you
A little potion
Of my reverie
The gleaming red ball
When in all its splendour
Steps into the vast sheet
Of blindening glitter
I would dissolve unto you
Through my hands
And it in my eyes
Through yours
Yet I think it is much
But still a handful
From you
That I ask
No punctuations, no ellipses, no quotes. Just pure sentences with words. Sentences which didn’t end till they were cut off. A few words which had a lot to speak about. Each sentence seemed like a wail of an aggrieved heart. Subodh read it again. It stung him hard within. Every time he looked at her large beautiful eyes, he felt that they had something buried deep within. Each line on that paper was now a step that would let him descend into that depth and reach the mystery that lay shrouded. He wanted to delve deeper into it and touch those silent dark waters inside.
That very moment she caught him reading it.
“Don’t you dare read it fucker!” her sharp words fell upon his unaware ears. He froze for a moment. She almost ran towards him to snatch it away from his hands. He dodged her grasp impulsively. She plunged over him fiercely, as if he was holding a piece of her heart in his hand. He jolted back on the bed by her thrust. His hand extended unknowingly to keep the letter out of her reach. Yet she leaned over and pulled it out of his hand. A stray drop of tear from her eye landed on his cheek. She moved away quickly and stood besides the bed. By the time he could raise himself up, she had frenetically torn that piece of paper into countless bits. She showered those pieces on the road through her window and closed the window tight.
Subodh was about to get off the bed when she approached towards him with eyes drowned in tears and slapped him hard on his cheek. The same cheek where her tear had landed a few moments. As her slap permeated into his cheek, he starkly felt an unusual assimilation of extreme emotions transpire on his cheek. She went into her kitchen sobbing frenetically. He followed her to the door of her kitchen. She stood there leaning on the platform gathering her tears back into herself. She realised his presence at the door and wiped off the remnants of the previous moment with her fingers. Drawing a semicircle below each eye with her index fingers. As if pushing them back into her large eyes.
“Why did you have to read it?... It was personal stuff...” She said to him in a sharp tone.
“I...am sorry” He apologised with an unsure stammer.
She walked to him, placed her hand gently on the cheek she had slapped and caressed it softly. “I’m sorry too...” she said looking at him with her dismal eyes.
Her touch had a soothing calmness to it. It didn’t heal pain. But it absorbed it. It soaked all the pains, the sufferings, the torments into itself and filled their empty space with comfort. Subodh closed his eyes. He wanted to captivate the moment into his eyelids. He wanted to hold all the pleasure that her touch gave him within himself and let it spread through his body. He stood still waiting for it to reach every atom of his being.
With a long breath, he gradually swigged her touch into his body. He opened his eyes in its daze. She stood before him with faint smears of abruptly rubbed off tears below her eyes and a forced smile. He looked guiltily at her for what he had done. Her hand rose up and reached his face. He closed his eyes tight in an anticipation of another slap. Her hand did land on his face, but gently. It held his face softly in its tender grip. He opened his eyes in incomprehension. She was very close to his face. He felt her breath on his neck. This time he closed his eyes involuntarily, dissolving into a blankness. Within that void, he felt two lips gently land on his cheek which had been slapped. They sucked out all his strength, his fears, his ego, his agonies, his poise, his concerns and... his free will.
When they moved away, he was just a statue of what he should’ve been. He was left only with his flesh and blood. Rest all was stolen from him by those lips. This time he didn’t want to open his eyes, but float in the beautiful darkness that surrounded him. He was about to lift himself off the ground when two hands gripped his shirt tight and a head landed on his chest, sinking itself in it. Subodh opened his eyes to the fragrance her hair right below his chin. He felt a warm dampness gather on his shirt. She was trembling with each snivel of her silent weep. His hand unknowingly curled up around her, holding her closer to him. It was his turn to absorb and dissolve her pain.
Someone knocked hard on the door and she hurriedly moved out of his grip, by almost pushing him away gently. But they couldn’t separate. A bond had created between them. Her earring had entangled itself with a button of his shirt.
“Ouch!” It hurt her ear as she pulled herself away from him. Subodh started loosening it from his button’s clutch. The knocking on the door grew harder. He pulled herself away from Subodh harder this time. A part of her earring broke off with a button from Subodh’s shirt. There was a knot between both of them. A full button and a half earring. Two unequal halves.
She ran to the door to open it. Subodh bent down and picked them up. This was the second thing he was picking up without her permission from her room. Last time, he didn’t know he needed one. This time he didn’t think he wanted one. He silently put it in his pocket. He didn’t care whoever the fuck was the door...
When Subodh opened his eyes, tears had gathered in them.
“It’s okay. Don’t stress yourself to delve in further. Some memories are better left with abrupt endings.” Dr. Padhye said gravely. “I think it’s enough for today’s session... Do you wanna go further?” He asked.
Subodh said no with his head. He didn’t want to lose himself through words.
“Okay... then see you next week?” Dr.Padhye asked after a deep breath.
“Don’t know...” Subodh replied with a morose smile.
Dr. Padhye laughed heartily at Subodh’s reply. “Well... it’s your clinic. Drop in whenever you want. Just give me a call before. So that I can tell my wife I’ll be late...”
Subodh looked at his watch out of curiosity. It was eleven thirty at night. Subodh smiled again faintly.
When Subodh was about to leave, Dr. Padhye stopped him.
“Subodh...” He said gathering his stuff from his table. “One suggestion...”
Subodh looked at him inquisitively.
“You can chase the future... But you cannot chase the past... because you can never catch it...” He said looking at Subodh calmly.
***
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He was at her place to pick her up for a play. There was quite some time for the play to begin and the theatre wasn’t much far from her place. She came up with the idea of having coffee before they left. Subodh readily agreed to it. It was a small place where she put up. A room and a kitchen. The room had enough space for two beds, for her and her room partner and the kitchen was more of a notched extension of the room with half walls and a doorframe. The space resembled a deluxe room of a two-star hotel, which had been filled with posters, artworks, handicrafts, clothes, sandals, books and all other things that were close to these two girls living within its walls. An exotic fragrance lingered in the room which awakened a mysterious sensuousness deep within him. She guided him to her bed and asked him to be seated till she prepared coffee. He sat on the bed a bit uncomfortably running his eyes over the things around. They fell upon a bright red bra half-stuck out of a drawer besides the mirror. He quickly turned away to look at the books which stood in a pile in the direction laterally opposite to that of the sight.
The fan above him rotated vigourously combating the heat gathering in the room. It led a piece of paper to come down floating at his feet with an unspoken urge to be read. He bent down and picked it up. The alphabets on it seemed like a confluence of free flowing strokes that were a mirror to an unbound mind. They formed words which looked liked vines entangled in each other. He went through each one of them gently touching those lines with his eyes. Sentences assimilated themselves through those words. Subodh gradually sank in the words on that paper as he drifted into reading it with his heart.
It’s just a dew drop
That I want to splash upon you
A little potion
Of my reverie
The gleaming red ball
When in all its splendour
Steps into the vast sheet
Of blindening glitter
I would dissolve unto you
Through my hands
And it in my eyes
Through yours
Yet I think it is much
But still a handful
From you
That I ask
No punctuations, no ellipses, no quotes. Just pure sentences with words. Sentences which didn’t end till they were cut off. A few words which had a lot to speak about. Each sentence seemed like a wail of an aggrieved heart. Subodh read it again. It stung him hard within. Every time he looked at her large beautiful eyes, he felt that they had something buried deep within. Each line on that paper was now a step that would let him descend into that depth and reach the mystery that lay shrouded. He wanted to delve deeper into it and touch those silent dark waters inside.
That very moment she caught him reading it.
“Don’t you dare read it fucker!” her sharp words fell upon his unaware ears. He froze for a moment. She almost ran towards him to snatch it away from his hands. He dodged her grasp impulsively. She plunged over him fiercely, as if he was holding a piece of her heart in his hand. He jolted back on the bed by her thrust. His hand extended unknowingly to keep the letter out of her reach. Yet she leaned over and pulled it out of his hand. A stray drop of tear from her eye landed on his cheek. She moved away quickly and stood besides the bed. By the time he could raise himself up, she had frenetically torn that piece of paper into countless bits. She showered those pieces on the road through her window and closed the window tight.
Subodh was about to get off the bed when she approached towards him with eyes drowned in tears and slapped him hard on his cheek. The same cheek where her tear had landed a few moments. As her slap permeated into his cheek, he starkly felt an unusual assimilation of extreme emotions transpire on his cheek. She went into her kitchen sobbing frenetically. He followed her to the door of her kitchen. She stood there leaning on the platform gathering her tears back into herself. She realised his presence at the door and wiped off the remnants of the previous moment with her fingers. Drawing a semicircle below each eye with her index fingers. As if pushing them back into her large eyes.
“Why did you have to read it?... It was personal stuff...” She said to him in a sharp tone.
“I...am sorry” He apologised with an unsure stammer.
She walked to him, placed her hand gently on the cheek she had slapped and caressed it softly. “I’m sorry too...” she said looking at him with her dismal eyes.
Her touch had a soothing calmness to it. It didn’t heal pain. But it absorbed it. It soaked all the pains, the sufferings, the torments into itself and filled their empty space with comfort. Subodh closed his eyes. He wanted to captivate the moment into his eyelids. He wanted to hold all the pleasure that her touch gave him within himself and let it spread through his body. He stood still waiting for it to reach every atom of his being.
With a long breath, he gradually swigged her touch into his body. He opened his eyes in its daze. She stood before him with faint smears of abruptly rubbed off tears below her eyes and a forced smile. He looked guiltily at her for what he had done. Her hand rose up and reached his face. He closed his eyes tight in an anticipation of another slap. Her hand did land on his face, but gently. It held his face softly in its tender grip. He opened his eyes in incomprehension. She was very close to his face. He felt her breath on his neck. This time he closed his eyes involuntarily, dissolving into a blankness. Within that void, he felt two lips gently land on his cheek which had been slapped. They sucked out all his strength, his fears, his ego, his agonies, his poise, his concerns and... his free will.
When they moved away, he was just a statue of what he should’ve been. He was left only with his flesh and blood. Rest all was stolen from him by those lips. This time he didn’t want to open his eyes, but float in the beautiful darkness that surrounded him. He was about to lift himself off the ground when two hands gripped his shirt tight and a head landed on his chest, sinking itself in it. Subodh opened his eyes to the fragrance her hair right below his chin. He felt a warm dampness gather on his shirt. She was trembling with each snivel of her silent weep. His hand unknowingly curled up around her, holding her closer to him. It was his turn to absorb and dissolve her pain.
Someone knocked hard on the door and she hurriedly moved out of his grip, by almost pushing him away gently. But they couldn’t separate. A bond had created between them. Her earring had entangled itself with a button of his shirt.
“Ouch!” It hurt her ear as she pulled herself away from him. Subodh started loosening it from his button’s clutch. The knocking on the door grew harder. He pulled herself away from Subodh harder this time. A part of her earring broke off with a button from Subodh’s shirt. There was a knot between both of them. A full button and a half earring. Two unequal halves.
She ran to the door to open it. Subodh bent down and picked them up. This was the second thing he was picking up without her permission from her room. Last time, he didn’t know he needed one. This time he didn’t think he wanted one. He silently put it in his pocket. He didn’t care whoever the fuck was the door...
When Subodh opened his eyes, tears had gathered in them.
“It’s okay. Don’t stress yourself to delve in further. Some memories are better left with abrupt endings.” Dr. Padhye said gravely. “I think it’s enough for today’s session... Do you wanna go further?” He asked.
Subodh said no with his head. He didn’t want to lose himself through words.
“Okay... then see you next week?” Dr.Padhye asked after a deep breath.
“Don’t know...” Subodh replied with a morose smile.
Dr. Padhye laughed heartily at Subodh’s reply. “Well... it’s your clinic. Drop in whenever you want. Just give me a call before. So that I can tell my wife I’ll be late...”
Subodh looked at his watch out of curiosity. It was eleven thirty at night. Subodh smiled again faintly.
When Subodh was about to leave, Dr. Padhye stopped him.
“Subodh...” He said gathering his stuff from his table. “One suggestion...”
Subodh looked at him inquisitively.
“You can chase the future... But you cannot chase the past... because you can never catch it...” He said looking at Subodh calmly.
***
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Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Chapter 2 - Part 4
“But why now?” Rohan asked mystified.
“Because we don’t know when else...” CEO sighed with his eyes still transfixed on the creek.
“What?” Rohan couldn’t decipher him.
“Because it’s all a sham!” CEO said taking a sip from his glass, “This theory of Physics and all...”
Neither Subodh nor Rohan could untangle the denotation in CEO’s line.
“Theory of Physics?” Rohan asked quizzed.
“Yeah... This electron, proton bullshit...” CEO continued.
Perplexity gathered around the three like thickening mist.
“It’s just a cover.” CEO seemed lost in his story, “They will be testing a high power nuclear explosion there. I have my sources. They say it will be done in controlled environment. But they can’t guarantee anything. You know what can happen if the control equipment fails?...”
There was no answer from Subodh or Rohan.
CEO waited for an answer from them, and then made the revelation himself. “Nothing might survive...”
“Then why are they doing it?” there was an edge of agitation in Rohan’s voice when this question unknowing escaped from his mouth.
“Money my boy... money. If it succeeds, you know what will happen?” CEO said looking at him with a cunning smile.
“What?! More destruction?” Rohan was holding on to the seat tightly as he spoke, his nails dug into it hard.
“No... more money... this research lab run by the European nations will sell this technology to every other nation at an exorbitant price because they will be the only one with it... And once a nation has it... its neighbours and adversaries will need it too... fear psychosis... and finally, every nation will end up possessing it...” CEO was speaking in a distressed tone.
“In spite of the treaty?” Rohan raised a doubt.
“Yes... ” CEO said firmly.
“How?” Rohan was finding it hard to believe.
“Under the cover of nuclear energy... they will set up nuclear power plants in these countries... and an atomic reactor will be built at these placed which will enable them to make nuclear war-heads...”
“Damn!” Rohan squeaked.
“And where do we come into the picture?” The cigarette held between Subodh’s lips made him sound brusque.
“We are funding this whole thing. It’s a biggest risk a bank could ever take. If it does well, we’ll have a major share in all the sales that occur...” CEO explained with a faint streak of exhilaration.
“And if it doesn’t....?”The question was rhetoric. Subodh knew the answer. It was easy to derive, but hard to declare.
“World economy will undergo extreme strain...” The zest in CEO’s earlier line was lost here.
“Depression?” Rohan took a guess.
“Recession” Subodh flung the cigarette butt off the Machan’s edge.
“Whatever it is, would we live to see it?” CEO eyes pointed sharply at Rohan and Subodh.
The conversation paused there, dissolving into a brief span of silence. Three dark silhouettes sat there in silence dabbing their fears with what was left in their glasses.
“I want to play flute...” Rohan sent a wish floating in the silent vacuum that remained stifled amongst the three.
“Play... do it before you can never play again.” CEO said painfully.
Rohan turned and picked up his bag. He put it on his lap and opened it.
“You have it with you now?” Subodh asked in pure surprise.
“Yup. I carry it along every day...” Rohan put his hand into his bag and pulled out a cylindrical case.
CEO smiled looking at it. “Men always carry the pieces of their broken dreams with them...” his smiled morphed into words.
Rohan opened the case, and picked up his flute. He put it to his lips and a sharp note raised to the sky. Gloom of every heart had gathered into it. It touched the clouds, crossed them and went beyond, filling the vast darkness above with it murk. Earth’s ceiling turned darker. It seeped into Subodh's body and swelled inside his heart. He reached for his wallet and took out a broken ear-ring from its inner section. His fingers curled slowly around it. Like a totem he held it in his hands. Tighth. Never to lose it. There was a sudden power cut at the Dhaba as he held it, like an ill-omen that the broken ear-ring had brought. People shouted as the lights went off. The entire ambiance of glitter suddenly disappeared into darkness. Only thing that remained was the sound of Rohan’s flute. It now spread into every bit of darkness that breathed around them. Everything was still. An uncomfortable calm covered the restlessness within everything. Rohan’s flute played like a siren of the obliteration that was getting closer.
* * *
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“Because we don’t know when else...” CEO sighed with his eyes still transfixed on the creek.
“What?” Rohan couldn’t decipher him.
“Because it’s all a sham!” CEO said taking a sip from his glass, “This theory of Physics and all...”
Neither Subodh nor Rohan could untangle the denotation in CEO’s line.
“Theory of Physics?” Rohan asked quizzed.
“Yeah... This electron, proton bullshit...” CEO continued.
Perplexity gathered around the three like thickening mist.
“It’s just a cover.” CEO seemed lost in his story, “They will be testing a high power nuclear explosion there. I have my sources. They say it will be done in controlled environment. But they can’t guarantee anything. You know what can happen if the control equipment fails?...”
There was no answer from Subodh or Rohan.
CEO waited for an answer from them, and then made the revelation himself. “Nothing might survive...”
“Then why are they doing it?” there was an edge of agitation in Rohan’s voice when this question unknowing escaped from his mouth.
“Money my boy... money. If it succeeds, you know what will happen?” CEO said looking at him with a cunning smile.
“What?! More destruction?” Rohan was holding on to the seat tightly as he spoke, his nails dug into it hard.
“No... more money... this research lab run by the European nations will sell this technology to every other nation at an exorbitant price because they will be the only one with it... And once a nation has it... its neighbours and adversaries will need it too... fear psychosis... and finally, every nation will end up possessing it...” CEO was speaking in a distressed tone.
“In spite of the treaty?” Rohan raised a doubt.
“Yes... ” CEO said firmly.
“How?” Rohan was finding it hard to believe.
“Under the cover of nuclear energy... they will set up nuclear power plants in these countries... and an atomic reactor will be built at these placed which will enable them to make nuclear war-heads...”
“Damn!” Rohan squeaked.
“And where do we come into the picture?” The cigarette held between Subodh’s lips made him sound brusque.
“We are funding this whole thing. It’s a biggest risk a bank could ever take. If it does well, we’ll have a major share in all the sales that occur...” CEO explained with a faint streak of exhilaration.
“And if it doesn’t....?”The question was rhetoric. Subodh knew the answer. It was easy to derive, but hard to declare.
“World economy will undergo extreme strain...” The zest in CEO’s earlier line was lost here.
“Depression?” Rohan took a guess.
“Recession” Subodh flung the cigarette butt off the Machan’s edge.
“Whatever it is, would we live to see it?” CEO eyes pointed sharply at Rohan and Subodh.
The conversation paused there, dissolving into a brief span of silence. Three dark silhouettes sat there in silence dabbing their fears with what was left in their glasses.
“I want to play flute...” Rohan sent a wish floating in the silent vacuum that remained stifled amongst the three.
“Play... do it before you can never play again.” CEO said painfully.
Rohan turned and picked up his bag. He put it on his lap and opened it.
“You have it with you now?” Subodh asked in pure surprise.
“Yup. I carry it along every day...” Rohan put his hand into his bag and pulled out a cylindrical case.
CEO smiled looking at it. “Men always carry the pieces of their broken dreams with them...” his smiled morphed into words.
Rohan opened the case, and picked up his flute. He put it to his lips and a sharp note raised to the sky. Gloom of every heart had gathered into it. It touched the clouds, crossed them and went beyond, filling the vast darkness above with it murk. Earth’s ceiling turned darker. It seeped into Subodh's body and swelled inside his heart. He reached for his wallet and took out a broken ear-ring from its inner section. His fingers curled slowly around it. Like a totem he held it in his hands. Tighth. Never to lose it. There was a sudden power cut at the Dhaba as he held it, like an ill-omen that the broken ear-ring had brought. People shouted as the lights went off. The entire ambiance of glitter suddenly disappeared into darkness. Only thing that remained was the sound of Rohan’s flute. It now spread into every bit of darkness that breathed around them. Everything was still. An uncomfortable calm covered the restlessness within everything. Rohan’s flute played like a siren of the obliteration that was getting closer.
* * *
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Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Chapter 2 - Part 3
“It is all a sham!” CEO said taking a sip from his glass of Chivas Regal on the rocks “This theory of Physics and all...”
Subodh sat there clueless with his Rum and Rohan sat bewildered with his beer.
After the meeting, CEO asked Subodh and Rohan to stay back. Once everybody else vacated the conference room, he came up to them, appreciated their effort and casually invited them for a drink in the evening. Before they could say anything, he left the conference room. And before they could escape, he was waiting for them outside the office in his car.
“So... where would you like to go?” He asked as they settled in his car.
Subodh and Rohan looked at each other in confusion.
“Come on... tell me guys... do you know any good place around here?” He attempted to ease out their confusion.
“Sir... there is one I know... It’s a cool place... and if we reach there before eight, we get a drink free on the drink we order... ”, Rohan blurted out of enthusiasm.
CEO smiled at his suggestion and turned to Subodh.
“And you Subodh?... Do you know any good place?” He asked Subodh.
“I know one... but I don’t know if you’d like it...” Subodh replied with a coy smile.
“Aah... that makes me all the more eager to go there...” CEO slipped down a few inches in his seat, sinking himself in it. “Sandeep... Follow his instructions...” he said to his driver, looking at him through the rear view mirror.
An hour later, they were sitting on a Machaan at a Dhaba on the outskirts of the city, facing the creek. Light breeze from the creek touched their faces, soothing the stress contained within their wrinkles and pores. Alcohol ran through their veins, unwinding every muscle in their bodies leisurely alleviating every ache stuffed in them.
Subodh lit a cigarette with CEO’s permission. CEO stretched out his hand for a puff. Subodh passed it over. CEO took a long drag staring at the endlessness of the creek. With a bout of smoke, a question drifted out of his mouth.
“Didn’t you guys wonder... Why I wanted to drink with just two of you?”
“Because you hate us...” Subodh said with an alcohol induced ease.
CEO laughed heartily and turned over to them. “Yeah... I hate you as much as I hate myself” he laughed on.
“I connect you guys very strongly. You come from same background that I do.... You show the same passion... You are equally eager... And your enthusiasm reminds me of my youth...” He kept laughing softly as he unwrapped his nostalgia slowly before them.
Subodh and Rohan looked at each other in incomprehension. CEO returned the cigarette to Subodh. Subodh took a quick drag and passed it on to Rohan.
“There is something I want to tell you boys...” He continued, looking at his glass, meaninglessly dissolving the pieces of ice in the left over scotch. Subodh and Rohan fixed their eyes in anticipation.
“What is the last thing that you want to attain?” He asked.
Subodh and Rohan looked perplexed.
“Something beyond all this career and bullshit... something very higher... or deeper... something that you think would complete your life in true sense... something... which makes you feel that... if you’ve achieved it... you don’t want to achieve anything else in life...”
CEO’s last sentence lingered in Subodh’s head like a daze. He stared into the infinite end of the creek. Far far away. His eyes were moist. He didn’t know if it was the wind blowing into his face or the storm inside that was dampening his eyes. The tears gathered in slowly. They blurred the dark sky and water before his eyes. He closed his eyes to contain it within their enclosure. A soaked darkness clogged his vision. He opened his eyes and saw a woman standing. A quaint familiar figure. She stood with her back at him. Her curly hair pointed at him as wind touched them gently before reaching face. It carried their fragrance with them. The mesmerising scent which never failed to pull Subodh towards her. It infested his soul with an unknown yearning to be close to her. To dissolve himself in her. The wind grew stronger. Subodh closed his eyes to fill that fragrance into every inch of his carcass to live again. He felt alive. He opened his eyes to life. She was nowhere. She had disappeared with the wind. Or dissolved in that fragrance and settled in every bit of him had had just come to life. He kept staring at the blankness, waiting for her to reappear. But she didn’t.
“What happened Subodh?” He heard the CEO call out to him.
“I know what it is...” Subodh replied draped in haze.
“Then this is the time to attain it...” He heard a voice from heaven.
***
Subodh sat there clueless with his Rum and Rohan sat bewildered with his beer.
After the meeting, CEO asked Subodh and Rohan to stay back. Once everybody else vacated the conference room, he came up to them, appreciated their effort and casually invited them for a drink in the evening. Before they could say anything, he left the conference room. And before they could escape, he was waiting for them outside the office in his car.
“So... where would you like to go?” He asked as they settled in his car.
Subodh and Rohan looked at each other in confusion.
“Come on... tell me guys... do you know any good place around here?” He attempted to ease out their confusion.
“Sir... there is one I know... It’s a cool place... and if we reach there before eight, we get a drink free on the drink we order... ”, Rohan blurted out of enthusiasm.
CEO smiled at his suggestion and turned to Subodh.
“And you Subodh?... Do you know any good place?” He asked Subodh.
“I know one... but I don’t know if you’d like it...” Subodh replied with a coy smile.
“Aah... that makes me all the more eager to go there...” CEO slipped down a few inches in his seat, sinking himself in it. “Sandeep... Follow his instructions...” he said to his driver, looking at him through the rear view mirror.
An hour later, they were sitting on a Machaan at a Dhaba on the outskirts of the city, facing the creek. Light breeze from the creek touched their faces, soothing the stress contained within their wrinkles and pores. Alcohol ran through their veins, unwinding every muscle in their bodies leisurely alleviating every ache stuffed in them.
Subodh lit a cigarette with CEO’s permission. CEO stretched out his hand for a puff. Subodh passed it over. CEO took a long drag staring at the endlessness of the creek. With a bout of smoke, a question drifted out of his mouth.
“Didn’t you guys wonder... Why I wanted to drink with just two of you?”
“Because you hate us...” Subodh said with an alcohol induced ease.
CEO laughed heartily and turned over to them. “Yeah... I hate you as much as I hate myself” he laughed on.
“I connect you guys very strongly. You come from same background that I do.... You show the same passion... You are equally eager... And your enthusiasm reminds me of my youth...” He kept laughing softly as he unwrapped his nostalgia slowly before them.
Subodh and Rohan looked at each other in incomprehension. CEO returned the cigarette to Subodh. Subodh took a quick drag and passed it on to Rohan.
“There is something I want to tell you boys...” He continued, looking at his glass, meaninglessly dissolving the pieces of ice in the left over scotch. Subodh and Rohan fixed their eyes in anticipation.
“What is the last thing that you want to attain?” He asked.
Subodh and Rohan looked perplexed.
“Something beyond all this career and bullshit... something very higher... or deeper... something that you think would complete your life in true sense... something... which makes you feel that... if you’ve achieved it... you don’t want to achieve anything else in life...”
CEO’s last sentence lingered in Subodh’s head like a daze. He stared into the infinite end of the creek. Far far away. His eyes were moist. He didn’t know if it was the wind blowing into his face or the storm inside that was dampening his eyes. The tears gathered in slowly. They blurred the dark sky and water before his eyes. He closed his eyes to contain it within their enclosure. A soaked darkness clogged his vision. He opened his eyes and saw a woman standing. A quaint familiar figure. She stood with her back at him. Her curly hair pointed at him as wind touched them gently before reaching face. It carried their fragrance with them. The mesmerising scent which never failed to pull Subodh towards her. It infested his soul with an unknown yearning to be close to her. To dissolve himself in her. The wind grew stronger. Subodh closed his eyes to fill that fragrance into every inch of his carcass to live again. He felt alive. He opened his eyes to life. She was nowhere. She had disappeared with the wind. Or dissolved in that fragrance and settled in every bit of him had had just come to life. He kept staring at the blankness, waiting for her to reappear. But she didn’t.
“What happened Subodh?” He heard the CEO call out to him.
“I know what it is...” Subodh replied draped in haze.
“Then this is the time to attain it...” He heard a voice from heaven.
***
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Chapter 2 - Part 2
When Subodh reached the conference room with Rohan, the meeting was about to commence. Every high-official of the Metrobank Corp. had gathered for the meeting.
It was one of those rare meetings in which the conference room looked like a princely court. The India CEO of Metrobank as a king, presiding over it.
“Fuck, we’re late...” Rohan whispered in Subodh’s ear. Suboh unwillingly responded to his concern with a sluggish nod.
They walked towards the two empty chairs on one side of the conference table which were reserved for them. Subodh looked around as he pulled his chair. The room was filled with bodies clad in dark suits and pastel shirts. The stench of their constrained ambitions reached his nose. Gucci and Armanis that they had sprayed on themselves weren’t able to dissolve that stench. Their eyes talked of treachery to each other. Their words resonated with a sounds of ravenousness enveloped in pitiful brutality. None of their smiles were real. Subodh felt his feet tremble when a few of them looked at him and smiled. Like a bunch of unfulfilled hovering evil souls that had settled down on in the room. They were inviting him to shun his live form and join their haunted quest. A strong feeling of unbelonging swelled up inside Subodh. He placed himself on the chairs restraining the discomfort that was sweltering inside him.
“Hello everybody...” CEO began with a phoney smile. Everybody returned him a smile¬¬ except Subodh. If he could, he would’ve shown him a finger. But Subodh held himself back and let him continue with his display of bogus affection.
“It’s nice to meet all of you together...” He smiled again. “I feel like I’m having my last supper...” and he broke out into a fake modulated laughter. All others joined in. Subodh kept staring at his face. Blankly.
“Well, jokes apart... I’ve gathered this meet to discuss something very critical with all of you... And that is the current financial competence of our bank...” He opened the topic gravely, chewing every word to crush it hard under his borrowed niche accent. “That must’ve got you wondering as to why all of a sudden, right in the middle of a financial quarter do I want to assess it... How many of you do?”
None of them raised their hands or voices. They stayed transfixed upon their chairs, with their eyes focussed on the CEO with a pretentious curiosity and consideration. Raising a hand meant putting up your unpreparedness for such occasions on a display. None of the beseated wanted to be caught off-guard. Silence was the smoke-screen behind which they hid their insecurities and inabilities. Insecurity that they would end up displeasing the CEO and inability to consider such a mid-quarter assessment from the CEO a usual thing and foresee it. Except Subodh. His hand had risen a few inches above the table, conveying his inquisition.
“Subodh!... You never disappoint me... This is what impresses me about... You are inquisitive... You have the nerve to ask a question...And persistence to find an answer... I like that.” This time, the smile on CEO’s face was a genuine one. The smile that an archer might have when he discovers that the sharpest of his arrows hasn’t lost its edge yet.
“Well... I would put it this way... it’s time to wear your diving suits... All of us... because now... Metrobank Corp. is jumping into the deep sea to catch sharks...” he let the end of his sentence dissolve in silence.
“I didn’t get you sir...” suddenly of attendees raised a doubt. That’s how the world in which Subodh existed was. If one was appreciated for sneezing, whole hall would end up blasting out their noses. To earn that penny of appreciation, anticipating that it would be a gold coin someday. Here was one more effort to earn that penny.
“Well... I think Subodh did get it... What do you say Subodh?” CEO looked at Subodh with a mischievous glint in his eyes.
“What are we financing sir?” Subodh asked plainly.
CEO smiled heartily “Something very big...”
His words drifted slowly towards Subodh. They traversed between the two like clumsy directionless clouds. Subodh let them pass over. He sat staring at the complimentary writing pad and pencil that lay before him. He picked up the pencil. With a swift stroke, he drew a circle on it. Pressing the tip of the pencil hard on the paper, he traced the circle. The edges of the circle got darker. He continued tracing the circle, turning it into a deep dark ring. Then he filled it with darkness, scribbling lunatically inside it. It resembled a bottomless pit. A pit that his hands had created on that piece of paper. A small gateway to another world. Or probably, another side of the world. It could be a tunnel, which appeared dark and endless, but opened on another side to a land of pure joy and fulfilment. But it seemed unfinished. He had to dig more to reach on that side. He had to go excavating to discover a route to that world. He went on digging. Making it darker with his pencil. Slowly the layer of earth got thinner. He could feel it through his pencil. A few final scrapes, and he would be closer to that life of eternal happiness. He wanted to finish it faster. He wanted to reach that side as early as possible. One final stroke, and the darkness tore open before him, unravelling a strip of brightness that peeped out of it. It was the first glimpse of the universe that he was about to escape into.
He felt a tuck on his elbow. “Subodh... Sir’s asking you something...”
“Huh?” Subodh looked at the voice with astonishment. Rohan was looking worriedly at him. Subodh turned towards the CEO.
“I heard you have made a report on our financial competence...” CEO’s eyes were fixed on Subodh. They were stern and rocky. Like a wall one couldn’t bring down or penetrate.
“Actually... It was Rohan who took more efforts on this report than me... therefore, I would like him to present this report before you instead of me...” Subodh spoke with a slight stammer.
“As long as it is accurate, I don’t have any problem with who presents it...” CEO said in a rigid tone.
“Thank you Sir...” Subodh turned to Rohan immediately after the note of gratitude and whispered in his ear, “Dude... present it! This is your chance. Make it big!” and handed over the memory chip to him.
Rohan looked at Subodh with quizzed gratefulness for few moments. He didn’t want to do it. He felt a strong impulse to see Subodh present it. Yes, he wanted to be Subodh. But not this way. Not when Subodh was dismantling himself purposely into ineffectiveness. He wanted to earn it. Not steal it when Subodh was tossing it into the air.
“Are you prepared Rohan?” CEO’s voice struck them gently.
“Go go go!” Subodh patted Rohan’s back.
“Yes sir!” Rohan said in a choked voice.
Rohan plugged the chip into the SmartProjector and entered the screen full of figures. Subodh stared at him. He looked funny with digits all over him. Maybe he looked the same when stood there. Covered with numbers. The numbers grew over Rohan as he zoomed in on the details. They moved over him as he scrolled the sheets. They went up, down and sideways all over Rohan. Sometimes they settled over him like countless flies, sometimes they crawled over him like a bunch spiders weaving a web over him. When he presented the overview, it looked as if he had emerged out of numbers. Subodh felt an unsullied contentment to see Rohan like that. He was the same couple of years ago. Enthusiastic, enterprising and diligent. Not because he wanted to grow fast, like his counterparts in the corporate world, but he was in an intense hurry to move away from something. He was in a rush to leave things behind. He was on a mission to overcome a bearing. That’s where Rohan differed from him. But still, the vigour was the same. It was time now for Rohan to take over. To fulfil his aspirations. To get covered by numbers.
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It was one of those rare meetings in which the conference room looked like a princely court. The India CEO of Metrobank as a king, presiding over it.
“Fuck, we’re late...” Rohan whispered in Subodh’s ear. Suboh unwillingly responded to his concern with a sluggish nod.
They walked towards the two empty chairs on one side of the conference table which were reserved for them. Subodh looked around as he pulled his chair. The room was filled with bodies clad in dark suits and pastel shirts. The stench of their constrained ambitions reached his nose. Gucci and Armanis that they had sprayed on themselves weren’t able to dissolve that stench. Their eyes talked of treachery to each other. Their words resonated with a sounds of ravenousness enveloped in pitiful brutality. None of their smiles were real. Subodh felt his feet tremble when a few of them looked at him and smiled. Like a bunch of unfulfilled hovering evil souls that had settled down on in the room. They were inviting him to shun his live form and join their haunted quest. A strong feeling of unbelonging swelled up inside Subodh. He placed himself on the chairs restraining the discomfort that was sweltering inside him.
“Hello everybody...” CEO began with a phoney smile. Everybody returned him a smile¬¬ except Subodh. If he could, he would’ve shown him a finger. But Subodh held himself back and let him continue with his display of bogus affection.
“It’s nice to meet all of you together...” He smiled again. “I feel like I’m having my last supper...” and he broke out into a fake modulated laughter. All others joined in. Subodh kept staring at his face. Blankly.
“Well, jokes apart... I’ve gathered this meet to discuss something very critical with all of you... And that is the current financial competence of our bank...” He opened the topic gravely, chewing every word to crush it hard under his borrowed niche accent. “That must’ve got you wondering as to why all of a sudden, right in the middle of a financial quarter do I want to assess it... How many of you do?”
None of them raised their hands or voices. They stayed transfixed upon their chairs, with their eyes focussed on the CEO with a pretentious curiosity and consideration. Raising a hand meant putting up your unpreparedness for such occasions on a display. None of the beseated wanted to be caught off-guard. Silence was the smoke-screen behind which they hid their insecurities and inabilities. Insecurity that they would end up displeasing the CEO and inability to consider such a mid-quarter assessment from the CEO a usual thing and foresee it. Except Subodh. His hand had risen a few inches above the table, conveying his inquisition.
“Subodh!... You never disappoint me... This is what impresses me about... You are inquisitive... You have the nerve to ask a question...And persistence to find an answer... I like that.” This time, the smile on CEO’s face was a genuine one. The smile that an archer might have when he discovers that the sharpest of his arrows hasn’t lost its edge yet.
“Well... I would put it this way... it’s time to wear your diving suits... All of us... because now... Metrobank Corp. is jumping into the deep sea to catch sharks...” he let the end of his sentence dissolve in silence.
“I didn’t get you sir...” suddenly of attendees raised a doubt. That’s how the world in which Subodh existed was. If one was appreciated for sneezing, whole hall would end up blasting out their noses. To earn that penny of appreciation, anticipating that it would be a gold coin someday. Here was one more effort to earn that penny.
“Well... I think Subodh did get it... What do you say Subodh?” CEO looked at Subodh with a mischievous glint in his eyes.
“What are we financing sir?” Subodh asked plainly.
CEO smiled heartily “Something very big...”
His words drifted slowly towards Subodh. They traversed between the two like clumsy directionless clouds. Subodh let them pass over. He sat staring at the complimentary writing pad and pencil that lay before him. He picked up the pencil. With a swift stroke, he drew a circle on it. Pressing the tip of the pencil hard on the paper, he traced the circle. The edges of the circle got darker. He continued tracing the circle, turning it into a deep dark ring. Then he filled it with darkness, scribbling lunatically inside it. It resembled a bottomless pit. A pit that his hands had created on that piece of paper. A small gateway to another world. Or probably, another side of the world. It could be a tunnel, which appeared dark and endless, but opened on another side to a land of pure joy and fulfilment. But it seemed unfinished. He had to dig more to reach on that side. He had to go excavating to discover a route to that world. He went on digging. Making it darker with his pencil. Slowly the layer of earth got thinner. He could feel it through his pencil. A few final scrapes, and he would be closer to that life of eternal happiness. He wanted to finish it faster. He wanted to reach that side as early as possible. One final stroke, and the darkness tore open before him, unravelling a strip of brightness that peeped out of it. It was the first glimpse of the universe that he was about to escape into.
He felt a tuck on his elbow. “Subodh... Sir’s asking you something...”
“Huh?” Subodh looked at the voice with astonishment. Rohan was looking worriedly at him. Subodh turned towards the CEO.
“I heard you have made a report on our financial competence...” CEO’s eyes were fixed on Subodh. They were stern and rocky. Like a wall one couldn’t bring down or penetrate.
“Actually... It was Rohan who took more efforts on this report than me... therefore, I would like him to present this report before you instead of me...” Subodh spoke with a slight stammer.
“As long as it is accurate, I don’t have any problem with who presents it...” CEO said in a rigid tone.
“Thank you Sir...” Subodh turned to Rohan immediately after the note of gratitude and whispered in his ear, “Dude... present it! This is your chance. Make it big!” and handed over the memory chip to him.
Rohan looked at Subodh with quizzed gratefulness for few moments. He didn’t want to do it. He felt a strong impulse to see Subodh present it. Yes, he wanted to be Subodh. But not this way. Not when Subodh was dismantling himself purposely into ineffectiveness. He wanted to earn it. Not steal it when Subodh was tossing it into the air.
“Are you prepared Rohan?” CEO’s voice struck them gently.
“Go go go!” Subodh patted Rohan’s back.
“Yes sir!” Rohan said in a choked voice.
Rohan plugged the chip into the SmartProjector and entered the screen full of figures. Subodh stared at him. He looked funny with digits all over him. Maybe he looked the same when stood there. Covered with numbers. The numbers grew over Rohan as he zoomed in on the details. They moved over him as he scrolled the sheets. They went up, down and sideways all over Rohan. Sometimes they settled over him like countless flies, sometimes they crawled over him like a bunch spiders weaving a web over him. When he presented the overview, it looked as if he had emerged out of numbers. Subodh felt an unsullied contentment to see Rohan like that. He was the same couple of years ago. Enthusiastic, enterprising and diligent. Not because he wanted to grow fast, like his counterparts in the corporate world, but he was in an intense hurry to move away from something. He was in a rush to leave things behind. He was on a mission to overcome a bearing. That’s where Rohan differed from him. But still, the vigour was the same. It was time now for Rohan to take over. To fulfil his aspirations. To get covered by numbers.
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Saturday, April 30, 2011
Chapter 2 - Part 1
“Drink fast... drink fast” Rohan panicked more with each languid sip that Subodh took from his
Glass of cutting chai.
“Why man? What’s the fucking hurry?” Subodh snapped back at Rohan irritated by his edginess.
“The meeting dude!” Excitement flowed out from every cell of Rohan’s face as he uttered the word ‘meeting’.
“Big deal” Subodh took another sip of his tea and a deep drag of smoke from his cigarette. This was his only moment of relief during the work hours. A cutting chai and a cigarette. It was his exit to sovereignty. Where, for a brief span of time, he controlled his life. He owned every bit of it. Outside the walls of glass which enslaved him to numbers, this break was his only rendezvous with freedom everyday. The cloud of smoke that he exhaled into the air around was a meek but proud denotation of the rebellion that he raised in the break. With each sip of the tea, he gulped down the lump of unrecognised regret that choked him through the day. By the end of the break, he walked back to his office, striding like a valiant king who had been captured by his enemies. But Rohan was messing it up for him today.
Rohan, who usually was at ease during these sessions, was quite twitchy today. Being of Subodh’s age, yet a step lower than him in the corporate heirarchy, Rohan was eagerly looking for a chance to bridge the gap between him and Subodh. He secretly despised Subodh for his success, but at the same time had immense respect for him and his achievements. For him, it was a matter of gratification to be Subodh’s henchman in office. This covetousness that he nurtured within him for Subodh, didn’t somehow stimulate him to defeat Rohan. Instead, it filled him up with intense aspiration to be like him. And this very aspiration, at times, made him more enthusiastic about certain professional matters than Rohan himself. Like this meeting.
One morning they found a mail in their Inboxes asking them to keep all the details about the organisation’s economic capabilities reviewed and assimilated. It did not specify a particular reason for this. It said that these details would be required in a meeting that was to be held on Tuesday in the coming week. A meeting which had no mentioned objective, but would be attended by all top-notch executives of the organisation. Subodh and Rohan had worked out every requisite detail throughout the week for the ocassion. With Subodh slow seeping disinterest in organisation’s affairs, Rohan unknowingly got pepped up about the entire affair and had ended up attaining more than required, easing the pressure on Subodh. This tally of his efforts had charged him up to eagerly be an affiliate of this unstipulated congregation. Whereas Subodh remained indifferent to it, lacking the enthusiasm that used to be a peculiar element of his professional persona earlier.
“Chal” Subodh said sluggishly tossing the butt of his cigarette aside and keeping the empty glass on the tea stall’s counter.
“Did you hear anything about what meeting is it?” Rohan asked earnestly.
“Should we care?” Subodh smirked.
Rohan concealed his disappointment beneath a fake faint smile. Rohan disapproved of Subodh’s growing disinterest in professional matters in last few months. Something sharp pricked him deep within whenever Subodh disregarded the serious issues which were put forth him. Over the time Rohan had seen pour his soul unto the tasks that were assigned to him. And now, when Rohan had learnt to separate himself from his soul and feed it to his assignments, Subodh had begun to distance himself from them. Rohan’s unrealised idol was disintegrating into ashes before his own eyes. And he had to powerlessly look at this desolation. He wanted to stretch out his hand and stop it. Cease it there. Build Subodh back. But the moment he looked at Subodh, he found his eyes empty of the affinity that used to rest in them earlier. They were lost in a search of something very distant. At a remoteness which he couldn’t gauze. Or he didn’t want to as he knew he would lose himself in the vacuum that remained clogged in Subodh’s eyes.
He walked behind Subodh. Following his pace uncomfortably.
***
When Subodh reached the conference room with Rohan, the meeting was about to commence.
“Fuck, we’re late...” Rohan whispered in Subodh’s ear. Suboh unwillingly responded to his concern with a sluggish nod.
They walked towards the two empty chairs on one side of the conference table which were reserved for them. Subodh looked around as he pulled his chair. The room was filled with bodies clad in dark suits and pastel shirts. The stench of their constrained ambitions reached his nose. Gucci and Armanis that they had sprayed on themselves weren’t able to dissolve that stench in themselves. Their eyes talked of treachery to each other. Their words resonated with a sound of ravenousness that was enveloped in pitiful brutality. None of their smiles were real. Subodh felt his feet tremble when a few of them looked at him and smiled. Like a bunch of unfulfilled hovering evil souls that had settled down on in the room and were inviting him to shun his live form and join their haunted quest. A strong feeling of unbelonging swelled up inside Subodh.
Subodh placed himself on the chair domineering the discomfort that was sweltering inside him.
“So gentlemen...” Boss began with a clichédly. “We are here to discuss the capability of our bank. ”
***
Glass of cutting chai.
“Why man? What’s the fucking hurry?” Subodh snapped back at Rohan irritated by his edginess.
“The meeting dude!” Excitement flowed out from every cell of Rohan’s face as he uttered the word ‘meeting’.
“Big deal” Subodh took another sip of his tea and a deep drag of smoke from his cigarette. This was his only moment of relief during the work hours. A cutting chai and a cigarette. It was his exit to sovereignty. Where, for a brief span of time, he controlled his life. He owned every bit of it. Outside the walls of glass which enslaved him to numbers, this break was his only rendezvous with freedom everyday. The cloud of smoke that he exhaled into the air around was a meek but proud denotation of the rebellion that he raised in the break. With each sip of the tea, he gulped down the lump of unrecognised regret that choked him through the day. By the end of the break, he walked back to his office, striding like a valiant king who had been captured by his enemies. But Rohan was messing it up for him today.
Rohan, who usually was at ease during these sessions, was quite twitchy today. Being of Subodh’s age, yet a step lower than him in the corporate heirarchy, Rohan was eagerly looking for a chance to bridge the gap between him and Subodh. He secretly despised Subodh for his success, but at the same time had immense respect for him and his achievements. For him, it was a matter of gratification to be Subodh’s henchman in office. This covetousness that he nurtured within him for Subodh, didn’t somehow stimulate him to defeat Rohan. Instead, it filled him up with intense aspiration to be like him. And this very aspiration, at times, made him more enthusiastic about certain professional matters than Rohan himself. Like this meeting.
One morning they found a mail in their Inboxes asking them to keep all the details about the organisation’s economic capabilities reviewed and assimilated. It did not specify a particular reason for this. It said that these details would be required in a meeting that was to be held on Tuesday in the coming week. A meeting which had no mentioned objective, but would be attended by all top-notch executives of the organisation. Subodh and Rohan had worked out every requisite detail throughout the week for the ocassion. With Subodh slow seeping disinterest in organisation’s affairs, Rohan unknowingly got pepped up about the entire affair and had ended up attaining more than required, easing the pressure on Subodh. This tally of his efforts had charged him up to eagerly be an affiliate of this unstipulated congregation. Whereas Subodh remained indifferent to it, lacking the enthusiasm that used to be a peculiar element of his professional persona earlier.
“Chal” Subodh said sluggishly tossing the butt of his cigarette aside and keeping the empty glass on the tea stall’s counter.
“Did you hear anything about what meeting is it?” Rohan asked earnestly.
“Should we care?” Subodh smirked.
Rohan concealed his disappointment beneath a fake faint smile. Rohan disapproved of Subodh’s growing disinterest in professional matters in last few months. Something sharp pricked him deep within whenever Subodh disregarded the serious issues which were put forth him. Over the time Rohan had seen pour his soul unto the tasks that were assigned to him. And now, when Rohan had learnt to separate himself from his soul and feed it to his assignments, Subodh had begun to distance himself from them. Rohan’s unrealised idol was disintegrating into ashes before his own eyes. And he had to powerlessly look at this desolation. He wanted to stretch out his hand and stop it. Cease it there. Build Subodh back. But the moment he looked at Subodh, he found his eyes empty of the affinity that used to rest in them earlier. They were lost in a search of something very distant. At a remoteness which he couldn’t gauze. Or he didn’t want to as he knew he would lose himself in the vacuum that remained clogged in Subodh’s eyes.
He walked behind Subodh. Following his pace uncomfortably.
***
When Subodh reached the conference room with Rohan, the meeting was about to commence.
“Fuck, we’re late...” Rohan whispered in Subodh’s ear. Suboh unwillingly responded to his concern with a sluggish nod.
They walked towards the two empty chairs on one side of the conference table which were reserved for them. Subodh looked around as he pulled his chair. The room was filled with bodies clad in dark suits and pastel shirts. The stench of their constrained ambitions reached his nose. Gucci and Armanis that they had sprayed on themselves weren’t able to dissolve that stench in themselves. Their eyes talked of treachery to each other. Their words resonated with a sound of ravenousness that was enveloped in pitiful brutality. None of their smiles were real. Subodh felt his feet tremble when a few of them looked at him and smiled. Like a bunch of unfulfilled hovering evil souls that had settled down on in the room and were inviting him to shun his live form and join their haunted quest. A strong feeling of unbelonging swelled up inside Subodh.
Subodh placed himself on the chair domineering the discomfort that was sweltering inside him.
“So gentlemen...” Boss began with a clichédly. “We are here to discuss the capability of our bank. ”
***
Chapter 1 - Part 2
“Need water?” Dr. Padhye asked Saubodh caringly.
Subodh nodded. Dr. Padhye ordered his assistant over the intercom to get water for Subodh.
Dr. Padhye was once again attempting to unravel that hidden spot in Subodh’s mind. The one which Subodh had locked away into the chest of deliberate obliteration. Despite Dr. Padhye’s several attempts to make Subodh speak about it, Subodh held on to it without disclosing even a wee bit of it to Dr. Padhye. Subodh’s reservation towards revealing it had started pinching by now. It was worrying Dr. Padhye more because he strongly believed that the true reason behind Subodh’s anger attacks lied somewhere in its womb. He wanted to unearth it today by any means. Only that could save Subodh from proceeding towards lunacy. He was trying the hardest today. And his stressful efforts were exhausting Subodh. Dr. Padhye realised this and decided to give it a short break.
Dr. Padhye’s assistant entered the room holding a glass of water. She stood before Subodh, smiled and handed over the glass to him. Subodh took it and hurriedly gulped down the water in the glass. It had a light unrecognisable flavour to it. Subodh avoided pouring the rest of it down his throat. He kept it aside and reclined on the chair.
“Subodh... Is there something that you strongly regret about?...”
The question hit Subodh’s ears shaking him out of the stupor that was slowly seeping into him. As he reclined on the chair after sipping water, he felt more relaxed. He felt his body loosen up, with each of his muscle unwinding itself and spreading ripples of comfort through him. He had been holding his body and mind within his steadfast control yet. Slowly, they were slipping out of his grip.
He was slowly sliding into a state of weightlessness of mind and body. Dr. Padhye’s question suddenly restrained his flight, pulling him down to the thorny bed of reality.
“I don’t think so...” Subodh blurted out. He wanted to say ‘NO’. A firm No! He wasn’t regretting anything. He knew it will. Yet the question made him growingly uncomfortable. It pricked him in thousand odd places within his conscience. Reminiscences began grumbling in their places to break free from the concrete layer of contentment under which they were forcefully buried. Subodh had lost his control over their uprising. He was trying hard to press them down. But they seemed to be charged up with colossal bout of energy. His strength was falling weak before their force. His limbs had lost all the might that was needed to hold them back. His attempt to keep them buried, failed repeatedly. Finally, he faced a burst of endless energy like a nuclear fission and he was blown away by its force.
“Maybe something from the past... that you might have forgotten over the time...” Dr. Padhye delved further.
Subodh wanted to regain control. The part of his mind which was fighting against this outburst resonated a line aloud, like granting him a weapon to combat this eruption.
“No, Yoga cannot heal anything...Yes... but it can help you regain control”
Subodh sat before the gushing flow of aching memories. He focussed his attention on his breath. In-out, in-out. The memories continued to surge like rampant waters emanating out of a broken dam. But the panic that had left Subodh feeble, began to subside. A mild flame of calmness lit up within him. He could detach himself from the chaos that the escaped memories had created. He stood aside on the bank of aloofness and began to observe them.
His days of loneliness surfaced before him. The ones that made him feel meaningless and dejected. A failure was constantly on his trace. He had failed in the Higher Secondary Exam. The failure followed him wherever he went. He didn’t go home. He couldn’t face his face with that label of failure everyday. He roamed on streets aimlessly. He sat at alone at places isolated from his surroundings. The early teenage, the unrest, the disownment, everything came back to him. He saw it silently. Though he has overcome this failure later in his life, it did leave scratches on his mind which would never heal. It was a proof that he was never too far from failure. That, one wrong step, and he would go crashing down to it.
The followed the memories of relentless efforts that Subodh had put in to wipe the word ‘fail’ off his forehead. But the impressive mark-sheet that he managed to gain in his second attempt could not put together his shattered dream of entering an engineering college. He felt his heart sink. His breath found it difficult to pass through his throat. Moisture gathered within the borders of his eyes. But he separated himself from these changes and stayed unbudged by them. He remained rock-solid in their presence.
Chained with them came the memories of years of graduation. The years when he lived almost like an ascetic, dedicating all his time to nothing else but academics. Scores were the first and the last thing on his mind. He sidelined everything else for it. Even a girl who showed signs of attraction towards him. And he didn’t regret anything of it. Somehow, in that peace and calmness of these years, Subodh observed that there was a restlessness which subsisted within. Subodh had painstakingly restrained it inside him throughout that period. He had lived it like an ordeal, just to avenge his own failure. Like retribution against his own self.
Finally there was redemption! He had managed to earn a decent score and an entry into one of the top business schools in the country. There was nothing to stop him. He was away from him home, and the new city had a lot to offer. Quite a lot in spite of not being on nation’s metropolitan list like his home city had been. An established corporate hub of the nation, the city had transformed itself to absorb all the disposable income and non-disposable strain that MNCs were paying new age young Indian professionals with. He broke all the bonds he had tied himself up in. He set himself free to relish both the dark and bright sides of life, which he had been shunning all this while. He had discovered peace wrapped in frivolity and several ways to attain it.
Yet, somewhere deep within, remained a blister which continued to twinge. Even now, he yearned for acceptance. The acceptance which he had lost with his failure. Even though it was a distant memory now, its wound still persisted. And Subodh’s quest for its cure still continued. Amidst all the action, there would be moments when Subodh would sit alone, blankly trying to convince himself that wasn’t alone. Amongst all those with whom he regularly lost his senses, everybody with whom he shared his astuteness, every woman he woke up with and every rival he competed with, he lived moments tainted with staunch lonesomeness. And he would yearn for the cure.
It was about then when he literally bumped into this girl. He walked out of the pub dazed, looking for his motorcycle. He went following the boards to the parking lot, separating himself from his herd. With the world shaking around him, he located his motorcycle in the parking lot. As he went closer to it, he found it difficult to believe his eyes. He took a closer look to assure himself of what he was seeing. He stood on the edge between belief and hallucination. Many things had entered his system when he was inside the pub that could project such images on his mind. But if he had to see it, he would have seen it earlier. He moved a step closed, opened his eyes wide and looked fixedly at the scene. It was true!
-----
A girl had passed out on his motorcycle. She slept peacefully with her head rested on his fuel tank, hugging the tank like a pillow. Her curly hair lay open, spread on her arms holding the tank. The bright white sleeveless top she wore, contrasted her duskiness, making it appear more desirable. Her bag was lying on the floor next to her, spilling out all its contents. Liner, diary, pen, comb, chocolate wrappers, A book, two CDs, a lip balm, used tissue papers, a hair band, a cute little money purse, a music player, bottles of nail polish, a happy meal toy and countless other things. It seemed as if an ocean had emptied itself out of her bag. He made his way carefully tip-toeing through them and reached his motorbike. He was clueless about what to do next. For the first time in past few months he felt a bit awkward to touch a woman. He didn’t know what it was, but he couldn’t move his hand to touch hers and wake her up. He looked around. He saw a small bottle of water that had fallen out of her bag. He picked it up and splashed some water on her face.
“Avi??” She said in a half awake voice.
“Excuse me Ma’m... you have crashed on my motorbike...” Subodh said aimlessly. He hoped for her to register what he said. But he was sure wasn’t in a state to do so.
“Drop me to my room na Avi... it’s late...” she mumbled and fell asleep on the tank once again.
This time Subodh emptied the bottle on her face.
“Stop it Avi !!!” She woke up almost screaming on Subodh. Subodh took a step back. She woke up looking around cluelessly, out of her stupor. She noticed her milieu and a mixture of astonishment, gloom and guilt flashed on her face. It made her look innocent. Like a child who had woken up at a place it didn’t remember sleeping off at. Sleepily, she moved the locks of her curly hair off her face.
It was for the first time that Subodh saw her complete face. He was mesmerised for a moment by it. Her features almost struck Subodh with their sharpness. It took him whole two minutes and thirty six seconds to get over her and utter his next sentence.
“It’s my bike Ma’m...” he said with a gentle stammer, tongue-tied by her aura.
She looked at Subodh’s motorbike for a moment in disbelief and then looked at him apologetically.
“I’m sorry”, she said with a pitiful face as she struggled to get herself off his motorbike. Subodh was too captivated by her to even utter an ‘It’s okay.’
She sat down and started gathering all the marvels that has escaped out of her bag. Subodh sat on his haunches to help her with the task.
“Thanks!” She said with a gentle smile. If Subodh could control time with a remote control, he would’ve paused that moment. Even in that brief moment, that smile had caused countless waves of bliss to run through every atom of Subodh’s existence. He just wanted to freeze it and stare at it till the world came to an end.
But life isn’t structured to provide you with simple pleasures like these on a prolonged basis. The sea of her little belongings flowed back into the cavity her bag. Subodh endlessly stared at her as he helped her to gather them. With the magical intuitive powers that women possess, she realised several times that Subodh was endlessly staring at her. But the moment she looked at him to catch him doing that, he immediately looked away dodging her impulses. It went on like an unspoken game between the two till she picked up the last hair-clip that had hidden itself near the motorbike’s tyre and dropped it in her bag.
“Sorry again...” she said ruefully, “my friend has the same bike...so I thought this was his bike...” she spoke groggily.
“No problem...it happens so sometimes... I once crashed on the footpath!” Subodh said with a smile and an intention of sparking off a continuous conversation.
She just smiled and started toying with the mobile phone in her hand. Next, she raised the had holding the mobile, and stuck it to her ear. Subodh had learnt from his days gone by, that a girl with a mobile phone stuck to her ear, has high chances of being already taken.
Unwillingly, Subodh went near his motorbike. He dismounted it off its stand and settled himself on it. Till then, he realised that she was frantically trying to call someone and either the person on the opposite side was not picking up, not concerned or was simply disconnecting her call. Her rising desperateness and the increasing fervour with which she was pressing the buttons on her mobile phone were a proof of it.
As Subodh kick-started his motorbike, an unexplained stroke of inspiration smacked him almost like a lightening. It filled him up to the brim with instantaneous courage. He turned towards her. She was hysterically looking for something in her bag.
“Any problem?” He asked her like a knight in shining armour who had come across a damsel in distress.
“No!” She replied like a damsel in distress who cared a fuck about this knight.
Disappointed yet again, Subodh was about to set his vehicle in motion when she called him.
“Excuse me...”
“Yeah?” Subodh turned back expectantly.
“Have you got a cigarette?” She asked.
“Yes” Subodh checked his pockets. He found a packet in the upper pocket of his jerkin. He opened it. There was just one cigarette left in it. “But I just have one... And I won’t get one on the road back....”
“Aah... I’m sorry... ” she said with a tinge of disappointment.
“No no... you have it... I’ll manage...” He handed over the packet to her.
“Ohh... it’s a strong one...” She declared as she pulled the cigarette out of the packet.
“Yeah...” Subodh was a bit perplexed.
“Here...” She held out the packet to return it to him.
“What happened?” Subodh stopped his bike and pushed it backwards to come closer to her.
“I don’t smoke the brand” She said in her drunken casualness.
“Okay...” Subodh took back the packet and thrust it in his pocket.
Subodh kick started his bike again when she called him again.
“Excuse me...” she said coyly.
“Yeah?”
“Can I have the cigarette?... ” she stammered a bit as she uttered her request.
Subodh smiled. Somehow, he had found it cute. He gave the packet back to her.
“Can you please light it up for me?... I mean I can’t have the entire thing... If you could share...” She came up with another request with equal demureness.
Subodh was more than happy to accept her request. He pulled out his lighter and lit up the cigarette for her.
“Take a few puffs...” She instructed him.
Subodh took a few quick puffs and handed the cigarette over to her. She pulled a few puffs while trying to call someone again from her mobile phone. Dejected with the failure to get through, she turned to Subodh and passed on the cigarette to him.
“Anything wrong?” Subodh took a chance once more, taking a puff from the cigarette and passing it on to her.
“Actually...my friend was supposed to be here and drop me home... but... somehow he isn’t here... so you know...I’m a bit worried...” She spoke warily.
“May I help?” Subodh gathered all his guts and asked.
“No... I’ll manage...” She replied a bit reluctantly.
“Are you sure?” Subodh had newly learned hard-selling in his classes.
“Mmm... yeah...” She said indecisively.
Subodh saw the scope in her hesitancy to convince her.
“I can drop you in that case...” He played his cards.
She stood silent for a while.
“I mean... at this time... how are you gonna go back?” Subodh’s confidence in his offer grew stronger.
Few moments of silence passed by. Subodh was looking at her in anticipation. She displayed clear signs of giving a thought to his proposition. Yet, he was quite unsure about the decision she would take.
She tried calling her friend unsuccessfully once more and then turned to Subodh.
“Well...can you drop me till the Rajiv Nagar junction?” she asked him.
---
The monsoon had just wound up its business for the year and winter was gathering in. Winds had acquired a slight chill to tickle the hearts it touched. Subodh rode on the empty roads of the city cutting through them. The winds did not of course pardon him for that. Harsh did they get as he moved tearing them apart. They tried their best to freeze Subodh’s spine. But this time they had no chance to defeat him. It was impossible for them to surpass the shield he bore. Even the deadliest of storms has bowed down before its strength. Ad it had wrapped it arms around Subodh, resting its head on his back.
“I forgot to ask your name...” Subodh shouted loud enough to overcome the firing of his motorbike. He couldn’t turn back to communicate with the dame who sat evasively on his pillion seat. She had fitted her purse between the two of them to maintain a deliberate gap between them and avoid even a slightest of physical contact.
“Kritika...” She shouted in his ear.
“Ritika?” He still had doubts.
“Kritika...K... R... I... T... I... K... A...!!” She shouted aloud, again in his ear.
“And what do you do here?”
“Studying!”
There began a sort of shrieking duel between the two.
“What?” He asked.
“Studying!!” She went louder.
“I mean what are you studying?” He reframed his question.
“Commercial art!” She replied.
“Ohh... artist...” He exclaimed.
“Naah.... commercial artist... there is a difference...” She snapped back.
“I don’t understand...” He jeered.
“What do you do?” It was her turn now.
“Same... studying!” He replied.
“What?”She interrogated further.
“MBA!” He yelled with a dash of pride.
“Oh! That’s why you don’t understand the difference between an artist and a commercial artist...” She gave it back.
Subodh was used to awestruck replies like “Oh really?!...That’s great!”, “Wow!” or “Awesome!”. But he was completely unprepared for this sort of response. It took several moments of silence for him regain his stature. In the meantime he desperately looked another topic with which he could resurrect the conversation. Finally, he found one after some twelve minutes thirty five seconds.
“Are you a localite?” He shouted.
There was no response. He turned back to check if she was still there. She was.
“Hello?!” He tried to make himself heard.
No luck this time too. It bothered Subodh a bit for a moment. Because next moment pushed him slowly into a spell of bliss.
He felt her head gently rest on his back. Her delicate palms first fixed themselves on his shoulders. As she pressed her head on his back, her palms separated themselves from his shoulders and he felt her warm hands wrap themselves around his chest. Just the way they had held the fuel tank of his motorbike some time ago. If the tank had feelings, it wouldn’t have let them lose their grip on itself.
This wasn’t the first time Subodh was hugged by a chic while riding the motorbike. But this time he felt something different about it. He wasn’t having his usual hard-on as Kritika did so. It was some other feeling.
Her touch was magical. The one they call ‘The Healing Touch’. Never before Subodh felt this sense of completeness within him. He realised that the restless which he always suffered from, had pacified in her embrace. No feminine touch or relationship had ever been able to do so.
He rode in silence, slowly losing himself to her grip in bits and pieces. She, in her oblivion, was seeping into him slowly. He was experiencing an ingenious fusion occurring between him and her. Subtle and unspoken. Maybe he had found a cure to his ailment.
He rode fast, making his way through the winds which were equipped to chill his bones. But her warmth kept them away from him. This was the warmth he had been yearning for since years, he felt. He could see the word ‘failure’, which distressed him for every second of his living life, being wiped off by her cheek rubbing on his back. His conscience was setting itself free from the clutches of that word as she sunk deeper into him, pressing her body against him. He could see revival ahead of him.
There was a flash of blindening light and a huge sound that reverberated through his entire body. It shook the skies above and shuddered lands far and wide. He saw a flash of colours pass by like a magnanimous brush-stroke. And everything dissolved into darkness.
Subodh impetuously opened his eyes...
***
Subodh impetuously opened his eyes...
He found himself in a plush air-conditioned room. The place seemed similar to him. It took him a few moments to realise where he was. He looked around. He found Dr. Padhye sitting beside him, staring at his face. Subodh straightened himself up on the chair.
“That’s enough for today I suppose...” Dr. Padhye said, releasing Subodh from the grip of his eyes.
As Subodh grappled back with his transit from the trance to consciousness, he reached out for the water remaining in the glass. Dr. Padhye stopped him by holding his hand over the glass. Subodh looked at him quizzed. Dr. Padhye called up for another glass of water. Subodh was unable to decipher his act.
“I’m sorry... you weren’t speaking up...” Dr. Padhye clarified.
Subodh looked at the glass of water with astonished eyes.
The assistant entered the room with a fresh glass of water. Subodh stood up from the chair. Before the assistant reached him, he went to her, picked up the glass of water and poured it on the carpet below. The assistant stood dumbstruck by his act. Dr. Padhye kept on looking intently at him as he did this and strode towards the door.
“Subodh...” Dr. Padhye called out when Subodh reached the door. Subodh turned back.
“We are almost there... It’ll just take a little bit of more efforts from you now... If you want to put them that is... Do come... ”
Subodh opened the door and left the room without a word.
“He’ll come back...” Dr. Padhye said to his assistant staring at the door.
-------- x --------
End of Chapter 1.
Subodh nodded. Dr. Padhye ordered his assistant over the intercom to get water for Subodh.
Dr. Padhye was once again attempting to unravel that hidden spot in Subodh’s mind. The one which Subodh had locked away into the chest of deliberate obliteration. Despite Dr. Padhye’s several attempts to make Subodh speak about it, Subodh held on to it without disclosing even a wee bit of it to Dr. Padhye. Subodh’s reservation towards revealing it had started pinching by now. It was worrying Dr. Padhye more because he strongly believed that the true reason behind Subodh’s anger attacks lied somewhere in its womb. He wanted to unearth it today by any means. Only that could save Subodh from proceeding towards lunacy. He was trying the hardest today. And his stressful efforts were exhausting Subodh. Dr. Padhye realised this and decided to give it a short break.
Dr. Padhye’s assistant entered the room holding a glass of water. She stood before Subodh, smiled and handed over the glass to him. Subodh took it and hurriedly gulped down the water in the glass. It had a light unrecognisable flavour to it. Subodh avoided pouring the rest of it down his throat. He kept it aside and reclined on the chair.
“Subodh... Is there something that you strongly regret about?...”
The question hit Subodh’s ears shaking him out of the stupor that was slowly seeping into him. As he reclined on the chair after sipping water, he felt more relaxed. He felt his body loosen up, with each of his muscle unwinding itself and spreading ripples of comfort through him. He had been holding his body and mind within his steadfast control yet. Slowly, they were slipping out of his grip.
He was slowly sliding into a state of weightlessness of mind and body. Dr. Padhye’s question suddenly restrained his flight, pulling him down to the thorny bed of reality.
“I don’t think so...” Subodh blurted out. He wanted to say ‘NO’. A firm No! He wasn’t regretting anything. He knew it will. Yet the question made him growingly uncomfortable. It pricked him in thousand odd places within his conscience. Reminiscences began grumbling in their places to break free from the concrete layer of contentment under which they were forcefully buried. Subodh had lost his control over their uprising. He was trying hard to press them down. But they seemed to be charged up with colossal bout of energy. His strength was falling weak before their force. His limbs had lost all the might that was needed to hold them back. His attempt to keep them buried, failed repeatedly. Finally, he faced a burst of endless energy like a nuclear fission and he was blown away by its force.
“Maybe something from the past... that you might have forgotten over the time...” Dr. Padhye delved further.
Subodh wanted to regain control. The part of his mind which was fighting against this outburst resonated a line aloud, like granting him a weapon to combat this eruption.
“No, Yoga cannot heal anything...Yes... but it can help you regain control”
Subodh sat before the gushing flow of aching memories. He focussed his attention on his breath. In-out, in-out. The memories continued to surge like rampant waters emanating out of a broken dam. But the panic that had left Subodh feeble, began to subside. A mild flame of calmness lit up within him. He could detach himself from the chaos that the escaped memories had created. He stood aside on the bank of aloofness and began to observe them.
His days of loneliness surfaced before him. The ones that made him feel meaningless and dejected. A failure was constantly on his trace. He had failed in the Higher Secondary Exam. The failure followed him wherever he went. He didn’t go home. He couldn’t face his face with that label of failure everyday. He roamed on streets aimlessly. He sat at alone at places isolated from his surroundings. The early teenage, the unrest, the disownment, everything came back to him. He saw it silently. Though he has overcome this failure later in his life, it did leave scratches on his mind which would never heal. It was a proof that he was never too far from failure. That, one wrong step, and he would go crashing down to it.
The followed the memories of relentless efforts that Subodh had put in to wipe the word ‘fail’ off his forehead. But the impressive mark-sheet that he managed to gain in his second attempt could not put together his shattered dream of entering an engineering college. He felt his heart sink. His breath found it difficult to pass through his throat. Moisture gathered within the borders of his eyes. But he separated himself from these changes and stayed unbudged by them. He remained rock-solid in their presence.
Chained with them came the memories of years of graduation. The years when he lived almost like an ascetic, dedicating all his time to nothing else but academics. Scores were the first and the last thing on his mind. He sidelined everything else for it. Even a girl who showed signs of attraction towards him. And he didn’t regret anything of it. Somehow, in that peace and calmness of these years, Subodh observed that there was a restlessness which subsisted within. Subodh had painstakingly restrained it inside him throughout that period. He had lived it like an ordeal, just to avenge his own failure. Like retribution against his own self.
Finally there was redemption! He had managed to earn a decent score and an entry into one of the top business schools in the country. There was nothing to stop him. He was away from him home, and the new city had a lot to offer. Quite a lot in spite of not being on nation’s metropolitan list like his home city had been. An established corporate hub of the nation, the city had transformed itself to absorb all the disposable income and non-disposable strain that MNCs were paying new age young Indian professionals with. He broke all the bonds he had tied himself up in. He set himself free to relish both the dark and bright sides of life, which he had been shunning all this while. He had discovered peace wrapped in frivolity and several ways to attain it.
Yet, somewhere deep within, remained a blister which continued to twinge. Even now, he yearned for acceptance. The acceptance which he had lost with his failure. Even though it was a distant memory now, its wound still persisted. And Subodh’s quest for its cure still continued. Amidst all the action, there would be moments when Subodh would sit alone, blankly trying to convince himself that wasn’t alone. Amongst all those with whom he regularly lost his senses, everybody with whom he shared his astuteness, every woman he woke up with and every rival he competed with, he lived moments tainted with staunch lonesomeness. And he would yearn for the cure.
It was about then when he literally bumped into this girl. He walked out of the pub dazed, looking for his motorcycle. He went following the boards to the parking lot, separating himself from his herd. With the world shaking around him, he located his motorcycle in the parking lot. As he went closer to it, he found it difficult to believe his eyes. He took a closer look to assure himself of what he was seeing. He stood on the edge between belief and hallucination. Many things had entered his system when he was inside the pub that could project such images on his mind. But if he had to see it, he would have seen it earlier. He moved a step closed, opened his eyes wide and looked fixedly at the scene. It was true!
-----
A girl had passed out on his motorcycle. She slept peacefully with her head rested on his fuel tank, hugging the tank like a pillow. Her curly hair lay open, spread on her arms holding the tank. The bright white sleeveless top she wore, contrasted her duskiness, making it appear more desirable. Her bag was lying on the floor next to her, spilling out all its contents. Liner, diary, pen, comb, chocolate wrappers, A book, two CDs, a lip balm, used tissue papers, a hair band, a cute little money purse, a music player, bottles of nail polish, a happy meal toy and countless other things. It seemed as if an ocean had emptied itself out of her bag. He made his way carefully tip-toeing through them and reached his motorbike. He was clueless about what to do next. For the first time in past few months he felt a bit awkward to touch a woman. He didn’t know what it was, but he couldn’t move his hand to touch hers and wake her up. He looked around. He saw a small bottle of water that had fallen out of her bag. He picked it up and splashed some water on her face.
“Avi??” She said in a half awake voice.
“Excuse me Ma’m... you have crashed on my motorbike...” Subodh said aimlessly. He hoped for her to register what he said. But he was sure wasn’t in a state to do so.
“Drop me to my room na Avi... it’s late...” she mumbled and fell asleep on the tank once again.
This time Subodh emptied the bottle on her face.
“Stop it Avi !!!” She woke up almost screaming on Subodh. Subodh took a step back. She woke up looking around cluelessly, out of her stupor. She noticed her milieu and a mixture of astonishment, gloom and guilt flashed on her face. It made her look innocent. Like a child who had woken up at a place it didn’t remember sleeping off at. Sleepily, she moved the locks of her curly hair off her face.
It was for the first time that Subodh saw her complete face. He was mesmerised for a moment by it. Her features almost struck Subodh with their sharpness. It took him whole two minutes and thirty six seconds to get over her and utter his next sentence.
“It’s my bike Ma’m...” he said with a gentle stammer, tongue-tied by her aura.
She looked at Subodh’s motorbike for a moment in disbelief and then looked at him apologetically.
“I’m sorry”, she said with a pitiful face as she struggled to get herself off his motorbike. Subodh was too captivated by her to even utter an ‘It’s okay.’
She sat down and started gathering all the marvels that has escaped out of her bag. Subodh sat on his haunches to help her with the task.
“Thanks!” She said with a gentle smile. If Subodh could control time with a remote control, he would’ve paused that moment. Even in that brief moment, that smile had caused countless waves of bliss to run through every atom of Subodh’s existence. He just wanted to freeze it and stare at it till the world came to an end.
But life isn’t structured to provide you with simple pleasures like these on a prolonged basis. The sea of her little belongings flowed back into the cavity her bag. Subodh endlessly stared at her as he helped her to gather them. With the magical intuitive powers that women possess, she realised several times that Subodh was endlessly staring at her. But the moment she looked at him to catch him doing that, he immediately looked away dodging her impulses. It went on like an unspoken game between the two till she picked up the last hair-clip that had hidden itself near the motorbike’s tyre and dropped it in her bag.
“Sorry again...” she said ruefully, “my friend has the same bike...so I thought this was his bike...” she spoke groggily.
“No problem...it happens so sometimes... I once crashed on the footpath!” Subodh said with a smile and an intention of sparking off a continuous conversation.
She just smiled and started toying with the mobile phone in her hand. Next, she raised the had holding the mobile, and stuck it to her ear. Subodh had learnt from his days gone by, that a girl with a mobile phone stuck to her ear, has high chances of being already taken.
Unwillingly, Subodh went near his motorbike. He dismounted it off its stand and settled himself on it. Till then, he realised that she was frantically trying to call someone and either the person on the opposite side was not picking up, not concerned or was simply disconnecting her call. Her rising desperateness and the increasing fervour with which she was pressing the buttons on her mobile phone were a proof of it.
As Subodh kick-started his motorbike, an unexplained stroke of inspiration smacked him almost like a lightening. It filled him up to the brim with instantaneous courage. He turned towards her. She was hysterically looking for something in her bag.
“Any problem?” He asked her like a knight in shining armour who had come across a damsel in distress.
“No!” She replied like a damsel in distress who cared a fuck about this knight.
Disappointed yet again, Subodh was about to set his vehicle in motion when she called him.
“Excuse me...”
“Yeah?” Subodh turned back expectantly.
“Have you got a cigarette?” She asked.
“Yes” Subodh checked his pockets. He found a packet in the upper pocket of his jerkin. He opened it. There was just one cigarette left in it. “But I just have one... And I won’t get one on the road back....”
“Aah... I’m sorry... ” she said with a tinge of disappointment.
“No no... you have it... I’ll manage...” He handed over the packet to her.
“Ohh... it’s a strong one...” She declared as she pulled the cigarette out of the packet.
“Yeah...” Subodh was a bit perplexed.
“Here...” She held out the packet to return it to him.
“What happened?” Subodh stopped his bike and pushed it backwards to come closer to her.
“I don’t smoke the brand” She said in her drunken casualness.
“Okay...” Subodh took back the packet and thrust it in his pocket.
Subodh kick started his bike again when she called him again.
“Excuse me...” she said coyly.
“Yeah?”
“Can I have the cigarette?... ” she stammered a bit as she uttered her request.
Subodh smiled. Somehow, he had found it cute. He gave the packet back to her.
“Can you please light it up for me?... I mean I can’t have the entire thing... If you could share...” She came up with another request with equal demureness.
Subodh was more than happy to accept her request. He pulled out his lighter and lit up the cigarette for her.
“Take a few puffs...” She instructed him.
Subodh took a few quick puffs and handed the cigarette over to her. She pulled a few puffs while trying to call someone again from her mobile phone. Dejected with the failure to get through, she turned to Subodh and passed on the cigarette to him.
“Anything wrong?” Subodh took a chance once more, taking a puff from the cigarette and passing it on to her.
“Actually...my friend was supposed to be here and drop me home... but... somehow he isn’t here... so you know...I’m a bit worried...” She spoke warily.
“May I help?” Subodh gathered all his guts and asked.
“No... I’ll manage...” She replied a bit reluctantly.
“Are you sure?” Subodh had newly learned hard-selling in his classes.
“Mmm... yeah...” She said indecisively.
Subodh saw the scope in her hesitancy to convince her.
“I can drop you in that case...” He played his cards.
She stood silent for a while.
“I mean... at this time... how are you gonna go back?” Subodh’s confidence in his offer grew stronger.
Few moments of silence passed by. Subodh was looking at her in anticipation. She displayed clear signs of giving a thought to his proposition. Yet, he was quite unsure about the decision she would take.
She tried calling her friend unsuccessfully once more and then turned to Subodh.
“Well...can you drop me till the Rajiv Nagar junction?” she asked him.
---
The monsoon had just wound up its business for the year and winter was gathering in. Winds had acquired a slight chill to tickle the hearts it touched. Subodh rode on the empty roads of the city cutting through them. The winds did not of course pardon him for that. Harsh did they get as he moved tearing them apart. They tried their best to freeze Subodh’s spine. But this time they had no chance to defeat him. It was impossible for them to surpass the shield he bore. Even the deadliest of storms has bowed down before its strength. Ad it had wrapped it arms around Subodh, resting its head on his back.
“I forgot to ask your name...” Subodh shouted loud enough to overcome the firing of his motorbike. He couldn’t turn back to communicate with the dame who sat evasively on his pillion seat. She had fitted her purse between the two of them to maintain a deliberate gap between them and avoid even a slightest of physical contact.
“Kritika...” She shouted in his ear.
“Ritika?” He still had doubts.
“Kritika...K... R... I... T... I... K... A...!!” She shouted aloud, again in his ear.
“And what do you do here?”
“Studying!”
There began a sort of shrieking duel between the two.
“What?” He asked.
“Studying!!” She went louder.
“I mean what are you studying?” He reframed his question.
“Commercial art!” She replied.
“Ohh... artist...” He exclaimed.
“Naah.... commercial artist... there is a difference...” She snapped back.
“I don’t understand...” He jeered.
“What do you do?” It was her turn now.
“Same... studying!” He replied.
“What?”She interrogated further.
“MBA!” He yelled with a dash of pride.
“Oh! That’s why you don’t understand the difference between an artist and a commercial artist...” She gave it back.
Subodh was used to awestruck replies like “Oh really?!...That’s great!”, “Wow!” or “Awesome!”. But he was completely unprepared for this sort of response. It took several moments of silence for him regain his stature. In the meantime he desperately looked another topic with which he could resurrect the conversation. Finally, he found one after some twelve minutes thirty five seconds.
“Are you a localite?” He shouted.
There was no response. He turned back to check if she was still there. She was.
“Hello?!” He tried to make himself heard.
No luck this time too. It bothered Subodh a bit for a moment. Because next moment pushed him slowly into a spell of bliss.
He felt her head gently rest on his back. Her delicate palms first fixed themselves on his shoulders. As she pressed her head on his back, her palms separated themselves from his shoulders and he felt her warm hands wrap themselves around his chest. Just the way they had held the fuel tank of his motorbike some time ago. If the tank had feelings, it wouldn’t have let them lose their grip on itself.
This wasn’t the first time Subodh was hugged by a chic while riding the motorbike. But this time he felt something different about it. He wasn’t having his usual hard-on as Kritika did so. It was some other feeling.
Her touch was magical. The one they call ‘The Healing Touch’. Never before Subodh felt this sense of completeness within him. He realised that the restless which he always suffered from, had pacified in her embrace. No feminine touch or relationship had ever been able to do so.
He rode in silence, slowly losing himself to her grip in bits and pieces. She, in her oblivion, was seeping into him slowly. He was experiencing an ingenious fusion occurring between him and her. Subtle and unspoken. Maybe he had found a cure to his ailment.
He rode fast, making his way through the winds which were equipped to chill his bones. But her warmth kept them away from him. This was the warmth he had been yearning for since years, he felt. He could see the word ‘failure’, which distressed him for every second of his living life, being wiped off by her cheek rubbing on his back. His conscience was setting itself free from the clutches of that word as she sunk deeper into him, pressing her body against him. He could see revival ahead of him.
There was a flash of blindening light and a huge sound that reverberated through his entire body. It shook the skies above and shuddered lands far and wide. He saw a flash of colours pass by like a magnanimous brush-stroke. And everything dissolved into darkness.
Subodh impetuously opened his eyes...
***
Subodh impetuously opened his eyes...
He found himself in a plush air-conditioned room. The place seemed similar to him. It took him a few moments to realise where he was. He looked around. He found Dr. Padhye sitting beside him, staring at his face. Subodh straightened himself up on the chair.
“That’s enough for today I suppose...” Dr. Padhye said, releasing Subodh from the grip of his eyes.
As Subodh grappled back with his transit from the trance to consciousness, he reached out for the water remaining in the glass. Dr. Padhye stopped him by holding his hand over the glass. Subodh looked at him quizzed. Dr. Padhye called up for another glass of water. Subodh was unable to decipher his act.
“I’m sorry... you weren’t speaking up...” Dr. Padhye clarified.
Subodh looked at the glass of water with astonished eyes.
The assistant entered the room with a fresh glass of water. Subodh stood up from the chair. Before the assistant reached him, he went to her, picked up the glass of water and poured it on the carpet below. The assistant stood dumbstruck by his act. Dr. Padhye kept on looking intently at him as he did this and strode towards the door.
“Subodh...” Dr. Padhye called out when Subodh reached the door. Subodh turned back.
“We are almost there... It’ll just take a little bit of more efforts from you now... If you want to put them that is... Do come... ”
Subodh opened the door and left the room without a word.
“He’ll come back...” Dr. Padhye said to his assistant staring at the door.
-------- x --------
End of Chapter 1.
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